In August this journal will be 7 years old. All the important things in my life have been written here. The best moments, the worst moments. From when I wanted to die on a daily basis to when I was so happy that I laughed for no reason at all.
Then again, I am doing a lot more living.
I am happy. And content, for the most part.
There are still some things that I struggle with, but that is mostly greed.
Holy crap, too much reflecting and not enough showering. Yikes! Haha.
- Mood:awake
We are always able to come to some sort of common ground, an agreement. We discuss, argue our points, maybe even raise our voices to express one another. We agree, disagree, admit to fault. We tell eachother to hang on and not interrupt as we make ourselves clear, and on the end after voicing our thoughts and listening we will come to a conclusion.
But tonight I just said "mmhmm" and got up from the couch. He doesn't know I'm bothered but he reads me too well to miss it for long.
I don't want avery to be with other people all summer long. I don't want her to be with my dad constantly, go to daycare/daycamp, or any other arrangements full time. I want her to maybe be in daycare/daycamp for two days, have my dad take her for two days and then I want to take one day off and have her.
I find it frustrating how he only considers money.
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- Location:49.159355, -123.171814
9:19 am Friday April 3rd
Avery asked me this morning "why can't you be like other moms?" because I don't make her mr.noodles for lunch. But the question really fucking hurt, and even though i am taking it out of context I just felt awful. It's not about the lunch for me (even though to further prove I am weak and insecure I made the damn noodles for her lunch). It's that she is starting to compare me which basically means I am fucked.
I don't know anything anymore.
Back to my Lily Allen music now.
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- Location:Canada, British Columbia
It sucked and then I cried by Dooce (Heather Armstrong).
Things I learned about my Dad in therapy
Cringe
Rockabye : From Wild to ChildUgh, it hurts. I hate wanting to read something and not being able to.
- Mood:
bored
Je t'aime!
Te amo!
Nakupenda!
S'ayapo!
I am grateful for you.
I am indebted to you.
I appreciate you.
I acknowledge you.
I groove on you.
I enjoy you.
I am partial to you.
I relish you.
I commend you.
I applaud you.
My love is enthusiastic and adheres to your every manner.
112%, Your Lady."
- Mood:
calm
- Mood:
amused
- Location:Canada, British Columbia
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- Mood:
awake
I consumed more alcohol than I ever have before in one night...
Paralyser
Rum and Coke
Gin&7up
Vodka Paralyser
Screwdriver with grenadine
Two cokes
(All singles in tall glasses.)
And I felt fine. Which is odd. Usually after a drink or two I feel super tired and weird, I always contributed that to my medication. But I was actually fine, and I still feel fine.
However, I can't sleep. I keep waking up which is frustrating because we went to bed at 3!
I just had some cereal, maybe some food in my tummy will help.
- Mood:
sleepy
I am pissed off but mostly frustrated.
I don't know if it's because I'm a woman or what, but there are things that I pay attention to. Like what he is talking about with other people on the phone, what he eats/drinks, where he is most of the time, what our plans are.
So when I have been tellings him for years that bathing suits don't go in the dryer, I expect him to know that. It's partially my fault for not reminding him , he is a man afterall! But it's annoying.
And like earlier today when I am standing next to him while talking to my dad on the phone and saying "yeah we will me there at 12-ish" I assumed he would understand that meant we were picking up my dad. But no... He was mad that I didnlt outright tell him.
Again, partially my fault for not being clear enough.
I know that he is a guy and doesn't pick up on those things like I do, but it still gets on my nerves. Grrrrrr!
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- Location:Canada, British Columbia
I'm scared to write anything relevant here, and that is shitty. Even though I changed the password I am still paranoid.
Fucking hell. I hate this.
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- Location:Canada, British Columbia
Sunday June 11th 2006
I talked about how hard it was having Patrick's parents accept Stephanie so easily whereas with me (admittedly the circumstances were much different) it has taken years and years and years. Because she is smart, she is going to University, she has the same interests as Bob (dad), and so for whatever reasons she has fit in better than I have. Right from the start. I was unnervingly jealous.
Various other times from back then to now:
I talked about how thankful I was for Avery to have an Uncle and Aunt, since I am an only child and I feel that the more family Avery has the better.
Saturday March 31st 2007
I wrote about how Bob called Patrick but he wasn't home and ended up talking to me and how that was the second time we had talked and Bob carried his side of the conversation.
There are many many other times I wrote positive things and I can't explain how stupid I feel for being so blunt and using such harsh language in the things that were read recently.
What has been consistent and true since we started sharing a house is how much I care about Bob. I didn't realize until he was gone how much I gave a shit, but I have found myself listening for him downstairs and then realizing he isn't here and being sad. I miss him way more than I thought I could and that is only compounded by Patrick missing his brother and Avery missing her Bobby. She misses him so much.
The underlying message of what I wrote before was that all I wanted was for Bob to be happy. It has been obvious for a long time that he hasn't been 100% and seeing how happy he is now has only made it more apparent. I just wanted what I thought was best for him and I regret the way I worded it.
I wish he never read that shit of mine. And I wish we saw him as often as we used to.
And lastly, something I wrote in 2007 about Patrick's family:
"It makes me feel so good having them in my life. I appreciate them immensely."
- Mood:
contemplative
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