Every now and then I remember my old job.
It hurts.
I remember how long I was there, the comfort I took in routines and familiar faces.
And oh it hurts.
I remember how it felt to have keys to the store, to be trusted, to be reliable and knowledgable. To help customers, to satisfy them. To teach them and assist them.
I miss typing in my password, checking my sales, agonizing over where the new stock would go. I miss softchat and shipments. I miss opening boxes, it was like Christmas.
I miss laughing with the ups driver, teasing the staff and chatting with the kiosk employees.
It hurts a lot.
I can't believe I ever let it go. I should have stood up for myself, fought harder, and worker more. I can't believe I let that 18 year old bitch make me leave. I should have reported her abuse and lack of professional behaviour.
I could be making money there right now. I could be making comission, better money than any previous job.
I am so sad, it hurts so much.
I loved that job.
I miss it so much, I want it back so badly. SO badly.
I am fucking stupid. It hurts.
Posted via LiveJournal.app.
- Location:Canada, British Columbia
This used to be me, where I came when anything in my life needed expressing. It was my one and only safe place, where nobody could pry or judge me or touch me.
I am so. angry. that this was violated for me. Even worse, that I let that change this place for me.
I was thinking of compiling sections of this and putting it together. I don't know why, it seems like a good idea right now. There is a lot to sift through.
I miss you people. I have so much to catch up on.
I went swimming with my family and best friend, we had so much fun.
But I lost my engagement ring. (90% sure I lost it at the pool).
I bought Avery bus tickets.
But they didn't have adult ones.
I got paid.
But most of that money is now bill money.
I stopped taking my medication, unintentionally. I have been nearly perfect so far.
Except for the panic attack last night.
I drank a bit much last night, and a little too fast.
I can no longer say I've never been drunk.
I have really enjoyed working with my friend Laura so far.
Except that I always have to leave just when it gets really fun.
I drank too much orange juice last night.
But this morning woke up with the sniffles and in 3 hours it turned into a full blown cold.
I have had an absolutely fabulous summer so far. I can't even explain how amazing it's been.
I have been happy and had energy, I have changed a lot but in little ways.
I don't know if anybody here remembers or knows about those couple of crappy years we had previously but this summer seemed to make up for everything, ever (for me personally). And today I kind of feel like it was a joke. Like I can have all that happiness but apparently that means trading off a few very crappy days. But I refuse to give in and submit and let life be shitty for even a second. I want to be positive as much as possible.
So,
I feel like shit. (I'm not whining, I'm making a conscious effort not to).
But I'm happy. And although the weather isn't great, that means its cool enough to snuggle up in bed and have a cozy nap. So..
- Mood:
sick
In August this journal will be 7 years old. All the important things in my life have been written here. The best moments, the worst moments. From when I wanted to die on a daily basis to when I was so happy that I laughed for no reason at all.
Then again, I am doing a lot more living.
I am happy. And content, for the most part.
There are still some things that I struggle with, but that is mostly greed.
Holy crap, too much reflecting and not enough showering. Yikes! Haha.
- Mood:awake
We are always able to come to some sort of common ground, an agreement. We discuss, argue our points, maybe even raise our voices to express one another. We agree, disagree, admit to fault. We tell eachother to hang on and not interrupt as we make ourselves clear, and on the end after voicing our thoughts and listening we will come to a conclusion.
But tonight I just said "mmhmm" and got up from the couch. He doesn't know I'm bothered but he reads me too well to miss it for long.
I don't want avery to be with other people all summer long. I don't want her to be with my dad constantly, go to daycare/daycamp, or any other arrangements full time. I want her to maybe be in daycare/daycamp for two days, have my dad take her for two days and then I want to take one day off and have her.
I find it frustrating how he only considers money.
Posted via LiveJournal.app.
- Location:49.159355, -123.171814
9:19 am Friday April 3rd
Avery asked me this morning "why can't you be like other moms?" because I don't make her mr.noodles for lunch. But the question really fucking hurt, and even though i am taking it out of context I just felt awful. It's not about the lunch for me (even though to further prove I am weak and insecure I made the damn noodles for her lunch). It's that she is starting to compare me which basically means I am fucked.
I don't know anything anymore.
Back to my Lily Allen music now.
Posted via LiveJournal.app.
- Location:Canada, British Columbia
It sucked and then I cried by Dooce (Heather Armstrong).
Things I learned about my Dad in therapy
Cringe
Rockabye : From Wild to ChildUgh, it hurts. I hate wanting to read something and not being able to.
- Mood:
bored
Je t'aime!
Te amo!
Nakupenda!
S'ayapo!
I am grateful for you.
I am indebted to you.
I appreciate you.
I acknowledge you.
I groove on you.
I enjoy you.
I am partial to you.
I relish you.
I commend you.
I applaud you.
My love is enthusiastic and adheres to your every manner.
112%, Your Lady."
- Mood:
calm
- Mood:
amused
- Location:Canada, British Columbia
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